NFL Power Rankings after Week 5

Order has been restored to the NFL, or at least for one week. Most of the teams that should have won did. There were only a couple of surprises, but more in terms of the closeness of some games, and the lack of closeness in others. The Colts barely edged out a victory over the Titans, and the Jaguars obliterating the Jets. I was expecting a reversal in terms of the two games.

Is there a new number one? Of course not. The Bears rule.

1. Chicago Bears – (5-0, Last Week: 1) It is hard to think of a different way to say the Bears are unbeatable each week. So I’ll it in terms of a James Bond movie. Who would they be? James Bond, of course. They always win, always get the girl, and look great in the process.

2. Denver Broncos – (3-1, Last Week: 4) One touchdown allowed in four games. As dominant as the Bears’ defense is, this one might be better. Too bad their offense looks like the Bears’ as well - the offense from last season that is.

3. Indianapolis Colts – (5-0, Last Week: 2) Those Titans are a tough bunch. It was amazing the Colts won the game. Peyton Manning, aka Miss Moneypenny, should be ashamed. Why is Manning like Moneypenny you ask? Because he gets the attention of the great teams, but can never win them over. In other words, neither he nor Moneypenny ever bring home the ultimate prize.

4. San Diego Chargers – (3-1, Last Week: 5) A win over the Pittsburg Steelers does not mean as much as it did in the beginning of the season. The meaningful part is that they bounced back well after blowing a lead in the final minute of last week’s game against the Ravens.

5. New England Patriots – (3-1, Last Week: 6) A win over the Miami Dolphins does not mean as much as it did in the beginning of the season. The meaningful part is that they continue to dominate the teams in their division.

6. Baltimore Ravens – (4-1, Last Week: 3) If punter Sam Koch does not shank one in the fourth quarter, the Ravens might have at least taken the Broncos’ game into overtime. It is those little things that separate the good teams from the great ones.

7. Cincinnati Bengals – (3-1, Last Week: 7) They got an extra week to game plan for Tampa Bay. I really do not think they needed it.

8. Seattle Seahawks – (3-1, Last Week: 8) The Seahawks, on the other hand, have to go see the Rams, who are 4-1, after their bye. Yeah, that is correct. The Rams are 4-1. Hope the Seahawks realize this, because the game is anything but a guaranteed victory.

9. St. Louis Rams – (4-1, Last Week: 15) No one else will give this team any credit, so I will. Check out how many interceptions Marc Bulger has thrown. Zero. His passes are like James Bond’s bullets – they never miss. They say win the turnover battleand you win the game. I guess its true after all.

10. Jacksonville Jaguars – (3-2, Last Week: 10) The Jaguars needed to make a statement, and they did that against the Jets. This team is on the cusp of being great, they just need to string together some victories.

11. Philadelphia Eagles – (4-1, Last Week: 11) I am not sold on this team, and I finally realized why. They are a NFC version of the Colts of a couple of years ago. They have a high-octane offense with a shady defense. Put them up against a tough opponent, and they will likely crumble.

12. Minnesota Vikings – (3-2, Last Week: 14) Much like the Colts did with the Titans, the Vikings played down to their opponent this week and nearly lost to the Lions. That could have been a monumental moral killer, but they found a way to win the game. That or the Lions found a way to lose it.

13. Atlanta Falcons – (3-1, Last Week: 12) They drop a spot because they did not win this week. What, they were on a bye? Well they did not win, so I had to drop them.

14. Carolina Panthers – (3-2, Last Week: 16) Julius Peppers chased Charlie Frye all over the place Sunday. He may have only recorded one sack, but just ask Charlie, who is still icing down the bruises left by Peppers and the rest of the Panther’s front seven.

15. New Orleans Saints – (4-1, Last week: 19) If this season was a James Bond movie, the Saints would be hearing from their opponents, “Why won’t you just die?!?!” If they can de-flight the Eagles this Sunday, the playoffs might not be out of the question.

16. Dallas Cowboys – (2-2, Last Week: 9) There is no quarterback controversy. Tony Romo will not be the starter until the Cowboys are mathematically eliminated from the playoffs or Bledsoe goes down with an injury. Stop asking.

17. Kansas City Chiefs – (2-2, Last Week: 21) Damon Huard is going to be seen as the savior of this season if he can keep the Chief’s offense running smooth until Trent Green returns. Pittsburgh is next, and they will not be more beatable than they are right now.

18. Pittsburgh Steelers – (1-3, Last Week: 13) If the Steelers are wondering where rock bottom is, they just have to ask the Oakland Raiders, who have permanent residence there. But they could always use new neighbors.

19. New York Giants – (2-2, Last Week: 22) They beat an inconsistent Redskins team, but a win is a win and they are back to .500. This does not warrant playoff talk yet, so stop thinking about that Manning versus Manning Super Bowl. It is not happening.

20. New York Jets – (2-3, Last Week: 17) If the game against the Jaguars was a scene from a Bond movie, the Jets would have been that guy who gets shot 15 times with an machine gun and falls through a glass window to his death. Just not pretty.

21. Buffalo Bills – (2-3, Last Week: 18) See above.

22. Washington Redskins – (2-3, Last Week: 20) Guess they did not want to get over the .500 mark. Not only did they lose to the Giants, but they looked bad doing it. Want some good news Redskin fans? They have Tennessee next week.

23. Houston Texans – (1-3, Last Week: 24) There is nothing nice to say about a 1-3 team coming off a bye who is about to be beaten senseless by the Cowboys. So I’m just going to keep tradition and say Mario Williams had another bad week, recording zero tackles.

24. San Francisco 49ers – (2-3, Last Week: 29) They beat the Raiders. That calls for celebration. Well maybe not, but it gives them a boost in the rankings.

25. Arizona Cardinals – (1-4, Last Week: 25) Matt Lienart had a nice day in his first professional start. Too bad his team still lost after blowing a double digit lead. There is always next year.

26. Green Bay Packers – (1-4, Last Week: 26) They played the underrated Rams tough, but like many other weeks, came up short. The team tries hard, but it lacks talent.

27. Cleveland Browns – (1-4, Last Week: 23) If Charlie Frye was in a Bond movie, he would be the Bond car, taking loads of unnecessary punishment. He may be able to escape taking many sacks, but the number of times he has been hit is mounting quickly.

28. Miami Dolphins – (1-4, Last Week: 28) The team has turned to Joey Harrington. Someone needs to tell coach Nick Saban the best quarterback he has on the roster is playing wide receiver on the practice squad. Marcus Vick cannot do worse than what they already have at the position.

29. Tennessee Titans – (0-5, Last Week: 30) If the Titans would have held on for the upset against the Colts, they would have been my new favorite team. Guess that Vince Young mystique is only good for college.

30. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – (0-4, Last Week: 27) Props to another Mid-American Conference quarterback, Bruce Gradkowski, for having a solid game in his first NFL start. Too bad he could not get the Bucs elusive first win in the process.

31. Detroit Lions – (0-5, Last Week: 31) Like the Titans, the Lions almost came away with a victory. Kind of like how they almost beat the Seahawks in week one. Or how they almost beat the Bears – no, wait, that was a slaughtering. Never mind.

32. Oakland Raiders – (0-4, Last Week: 32) If the Raiders were in a Bond movie, they would be the evil villain. No one likes them, they have a huge ego, and they never win. Too bad “James Bond” will not be playing them this season. The Raiders, rather than the world, would be the ones needed saving.


ESPN Power Rankings. Okay, I’ll admit it. Mike Golic kicks butt right now.
ESPN’s Power Rankings